There’s no end to the speculation of things that the fairer sex could ever desire in a lifetime. A 10-point summary of that infinite wish-list to help the men and please the women.
When I first thought of what women want, I figured I’d scour the Net to find out what people were saying about it. I mean, why write when you can copy, right? If you do it smartly and copy from many sources you can get away with it, too. After all, steal from one, it’s plagiarism, steal from many, it’s research. Everyone knows that.
But guess what I found? Apparently, all we women are looking for is love! With someone who’s thoughtful and caring but not dull, sensitive and a good listener but not a sissy, a bad boy but not a cad, adventurous and sporty but not wild and reckless. After a few minutes of surfing, two things became obvious to me. One, all women want five guys, and two, I’d have to do this the hard way and write the whole thing myself.
Humour aside, I think men tax their tiny, primeval brains too much. Unlike what they believe, they are not so prominent in our list of top ten desirable things. In fact, they figure way, way down. For, what we want is simple really.
1. We want to be able to eat anything and not gain weight.
Have you seen those skinny young women who eat like horses, with plate after plate of food at the buffet table without putting on any weight? Neither have I. On the rare occasion I have seen one, she’s usually on her way to the loo – to upchuck everything she just ate. But wouldn’t it be divine if we got to keep everything in and still remained stick thin?
2. We want to be ageless.
And not by resorting to chemical peels or laser treatments or any of that synthetic stuff. Have you seen some of those well-preserved socialites (names have been withheld to protect identity)? We don’t want to look like we’ve been pickled in vinegar! We want to be cryogenically frozen at 22; 25, tops.
3. We want to have a good, nay, great hair day.
Every day. And while we are at it, why not throw in a good skin day and good nail day, too? In fact, from the moment we wake up, we want to look like we’ve just stepped out of a salon.
4. While we are walking out of a salon why not do it in five-inch heels?
With poise, and not slithering and sliding like some victim of alcohol abuse. Everyone knows that heels are sexy. They make legs looks longer and more defined, but only if you know how to walk in them gracefully. Which brings me to the next thing on the wish list. The ability to glide in five-inch heels as insouciantly as if we were wearing skids.
5. Have all the money in the world. I’m talking millions, billions preferably.
Ideally we’d like to inherit that money. Like Paris Hilton. But if that’s not possible, then we’d like a job that requires us to possess no talent or tact. Just a bitchy temperament. Like Simon Cowell. Who doesn’t want to say stuff like, ‘If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning,’ and get paid forty million dollars for it?
6. A gay best friend to listen to us and give us fashion advice.
We all want a Will to our Grace, sharing the secrets of our soul. And that’s because gay men get the despair, the angst and the ‘should I call him or will it make me look needy’ conundrum. They totally get the drama, relish it even, and, more often than not, may even trump us in that department. Besides, it is huge fun for gays and us fag-hags to talk about men we are attracted to, each safe in the knowledge that the other person is not pitching to the same guy.
And then, of course, there’s the shopping. While our female friends are competitive when shopping and ‘secretly want our ass to look fat’, there’s no risk of toxic advice in shopping with our gay friend.
7. Romance and sex. Breaking news, WE LIKE SEX.
Tender as well as red-hot, passionate animal sex. Who doesn’t like their eyes rolling back in their heads from sheer, unbearable pleasure? The only reason many of us don’t like sex is because our partners think a G-spot is short for Gold Spot. They are too focussed on their own pleasure. And if they do think of us they think going at us like a battering ram is IT.
And we like romance. We all like to be wooed and made to feel one in a million. But sincerely, and not just because they want to get into our pants. Yes, we like to be made to feel so hot that they can’t contain themselves. But we also want romance just for the sake of romance. So yes, we like romance and sex, preferably in the same guy. I mean after all the gratuitous eating and endless shopping with our gay best friend with all the money that we have, who has the energy to pander to two guys?
8. Equality with chivalry.
We want to be treated as equals but that doesn’t mean we want the door slamming in our faces all the time. A guy who holds the door open will go a long way, maybe even all the way, with us.
9. No PMS.
I was going to write no periods, but as the time for their cessation draws ever closer, I discover I’ve grown rather attached to them. So I’m just going to settle for no PMS. No bloating and crankiness when that time of the month approaches. And if we have to have PMS then let it be only crabbiness. After all, bad temper is something others have to live with. It’s the bloating that’s a bummer, really.
10. A genie to grant us all that. Well, duh!